


Quiet

by AntarcticBird



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 00:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3270593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntarcticBird/pseuds/AntarcticBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>6x05 episode reaction fic.</i> Sleeping is not easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> In an attempt to distract myself I started drabbling a little reaction thing about how Kurt must have been feeling once he got home that night. I am not quite sure what this is, but here it is anyway.

The room is dark, everything quiet, so quiet, and sometimes he still notices the complete absence of light and noise at night after all the time he's spent in New York.

He can't sleep.

His mattress is soft, as are his sheets, he is comfortable enough especially after spending two days on a cold, hard, fake elevator floor. Sleeping should be easy.

Sleeping is not easy.

It hasn't been easy for a while now.

He's been trying so hard to move on, to stop hoping for a future with Blaine and build a new one without him instead.

His heart still breaks every time he thinks of him, every time he sees him, and kissing him today in that fake elevator – he squeezes his eyes shut against the tears and his heart feels raw and bruised in his chest.

He loves him.

Oh god. He can still feel his kiss, can still feel the surge of emotion, too much and too painful, shivering in his chest and pressing outwards, and his palms tingle with the memory of Blaine's warmth, the shape of his lovely shoulder under Kurt's hand.

He loves him.

And he'd been trying so hard to move on, to start over; if he really loves Blaine he has to let him go, right? He can't be selfish. If the best thing for Blaine is to not be with Kurt, if he's happier without him, then Kurt will do anything, _everything_ to support him, even if that means breaking his own heart over every smile on Blaine's face, every glimpse of him, every thought and dream he has of him.

But now that kiss … he knows Blaine suggested it to get out of the elevator, not because he actually wanted to kiss him. He feels the memory of the fear as Blaine had suggested it – god, he had not wanted to kiss him and yet he had wanted it so badly, and he had known what a terrible idea it was before Blaine had even started considering it.

Kissing Blaine, feeling him so close again … his breath shudders out of him as he tries not to cry; he knows exactly what he's lost. Blaine is everything to him.

But he'd been trying to let him go, he'd been getting there, slowly, and then … and then…

The thing is, Blaine had kissed him back. And afterward he'd looked at Kurt, like … like...

He opens his eyes, stares into the darkness of his room, and he doesn't know where they stand anymore.

He knows they need to talk. About so many things. But once the doors had opened they'd just wanted _out_ , and later there had been no time, and then Blaine had been gone with the Warblers and Kurt had spent hours sitting in his room trying to compose a text, but in the end, what is he even going to say?

_We need to talk_ sounds too harsh, _Are you okay_ sounds like he's implying that Blaine might not be, that he believes it meant something to him. _I can't stop thinking about the kiss_ is too forward, _I love you more than words can ever say_ is the truth, but not really an option right now.

He wants to talk to him. He needs to talk to him, he needs … so many things.

He can't have any of them because Blaine has moved on and Kurt doesn't _know_ what the kiss meant, only knows that what had started out as something they had to do definitely, _definitely_ turned into something entirely different, and now he can't sleep. He needs Blaine, but he's not what Blaine needs, and he knows he doesn't deserve him anyway. Blaine is the _best_ person in the entire world, and Blaine had loved him so much and Kurt had hurt him so badly.

But, _god_ , he still needs him.

He dreams, sometimes, when he does manage to sleep. He dreams that Blaine is here, with him, dreams about them sharing a bed again, sharing that intimacy of being asleep together.

A few of the dreams have been sexual, but most of them, the recurring ones he just cannot escape from, are entirely innocent. Just Blaine under the covers with him, their legs tangled together, and Kurt lying very still so as not to disturb him while Blaine sleeps with his head pillowed on Kurt's chest, his breaths long and even, one hand resting over Kurt's heart, on top of his pajamas.

He doesn't cry often, but sometimes he cries waking up from those dreams, cries upon finding himself alone in his bed, without Blaine's weight on his chest, without Blaine rolled half on top of him _again_ in his sleep which always makes Kurt feel too hot, without Blaine's toenails scratching his shins or Blaine mumbling softly in his sleep, words Kurt can never quite make out.

Blaine is a clingy sleeper. Blaine has never been afraid of being close to Kurt, in any aspect of their relationship.

He used to feel like it was too much, sometimes, used to feel suffocated and hemmed in and just wanting some _space_ , just a little room to breathe, a little bit of peace and quiet to check the edges of his boundaries and make sure they were still intact.

Now he wakes up from those dreams and cries because there is no wet patch on the front of his pajama tops where Blaine has drooled on him. There are no errant curls tickling his nose until he sneezes himself awake. His arm isn't numb from Blaine lying on it accidentally.

He wants all of those things back so badly he almost can't breathe around it.

The kiss hasn't made it better; he feels like all his wounds have been ripped open again and all he can feel is the void that is the absence of Blaine in his life, every beat of his pulse is Blaine's name and he hurts all over with wanting to hear his voice, but he can't right now.

Blaine will be explaining his absence to the people who missed him (and Kurt doesn't want to think too closely about who that involves) and they can always talk later, but still he can't help but wait for the phone to ring, for a text, for just some kind of message, some signal of hope that Blaine wants to talk about this too.

He doesn't even know what he's hoping for, what he's hoping to learn from a conversation. But he can't just continue on like the kiss didn't happen and he _needs_ Blaine and it's still weird, that he can't just call him. They have always been connected one way or the other, with interruptions, okay, but it just doesn't feel right to feel so disconnected from him now. Blaine has always been the one he could call about everything.

Now he needs to call him, needs to talk about what happened. He needs to say the words, he needs to tell someone who'll understand: “I kissed my ex-fiancé in a fake elevator because my old cheerleading coach made me. And even though he'd told me he'd moved on, he kissed me back so tenderly I thought my heart would stop.”

He needs to say: “I know I am supposed to be moving on, but I love him. I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I _want_ to stop, because he's perfect and I don't understand how I'm supposed to live without him; I know I'm the one who broke up with him, but _god_ , I didn't mean to. He is all I can think about, and I wanted to be fine so badly so I could watch him move on, but the truth is, I miss him so much I can't breathe.”

If only he could call him and say: “I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Anything you want. Even if it means letting you go. But please tell me why you kissed me back like that and why you looked at me like that. I just need to know. And then I'll let you go if you want me to, because I love you so much, there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I just think that you should know, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. And I should have been telling you every day: ever since I met you on that staircase all those years ago, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't loved you. And I'm certain that such a day will never exist. You will never not be loved, Blaine. Because I'll love you forever. And I don't expect anything in return; I'm just yours, and I'll give you anything. Even if what you need is distance. And if it's closeness, then I'll give you that too, because, Blaine, nothing in this world is quite as beautiful without you. I love you.”

But he can't tell him any of that, he can't call him, because Blaine has already told him what he needs from him now. Blaine needs Kurt to be a friend. And Kurt knows that he'll do his best to be that for him. He still can't stop his heart from beating for Blaine, or his body from yearning for his closeness, his warmth, the scent of his skin, so familiar and soothing.

He wants him in his arms, he wants to hold him, wants to look at his lovely face and feel calmed by his gentle smile and listen to the soft sound of his voice. He wants to kiss him, to take care of him, to be allowed to be the one to make him feel good.

It was cruel, making him kiss Blaine like that, but it's Sue he's angry at, not Blaine. Of course not Blaine. Blaine hadn't known. Kurt _had_. And now he's here in the silent darkness of his room and he feels split open, all of his defenses crumbled to the ground, and he knows Blaine had been able to read him, Blaine _knows_ him.

Blaine isn't here.

Kurt blinks up toward the ceiling, counts his breaths, tries to summon sleep.

On the nightstand, his phone starts buzzing, disturbing the quiet, and for a second, he goes completely still before sitting up and reaching out through the darkness.


End file.
